Short jokes for adults

Short jokes for adults DEFAULT

50 Funny Short Jokes That Guarantee a Laugh

Jokes come in all shapes and sizes, from the ones that require a lot of setup and a health attention span to the quick zingers that you can shoot off without thinking. The major plus of short jokes is that they're easy to repeat from off the top of your head, meaning that the 50 gags below are perfect for pulling out the next time you're hanging around with your friends, entertaining your kid, or trying to get a date. So keep reading for our 50 favorite short jokes—and no, we don't mean jokes about people who aren't tall!

Funny Short Jokes

"What's red and moves up and down? A tomato in an elevator!"

  1. What kind of exercise do lazy people do? Diddly-squats.
  2. What do you call a pony with a cough? A little horse!
  3. What is Forrest Gump's password? 1Forrest1.
  4. Why did the M&M go to school? He wanted to be a Smartie.
  5. What did one traffic light say to the other? Stop looking at me, I'm changing!
  6. What do you call bears with no ears? B.
  7. What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper!
  8. Why do French people eat snails? They don't like fast food!
  9. What's red and moves up and down? A tomato in an elevator!
  10. I invented a new word today: Plagiarism.
  11. What is sticky and brown? A stick!
  12. How does a rabbi make coffee? Hebrews it!
  13. Rest in peace boiling water. You will be mist!
  14. How do you throw a space party? You planet!
  15. Want to hear a construction joke? Oh never mind, I'm still working on that one.
  16. Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
  17. I hate Russian dolls… they're so full of themselves!
  18. Talk is cheap? Have you ever talked to a lawyer?
  19. Why did the gym close down? It just didn't work out!
  20. Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw!
  21. A plateau is the highest form of flattery.
  22. I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.
  23. You can only get spoiled milk from a pampered cow.
  24. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick!
  25. You know what I saw today? Everything I looked at.

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The Best Short Jokes

"What did one plate say to his friend? Tonight, dinner's on me!"

  1. What are a shark's two most favorite words? Man overboard!
  2. If we shouldn't eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?
  3. Have you ever tried eating a clock? It's really time-consuming, especially if you go for seconds.
  4. Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.
  5. It's cleaning day so naturally, I've already polished off a whole chocolate bar.
  6. What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? Bison!
  7. Here, I bought you a calendar. Your days are numbered now.
  8. Where do fish sleep? In the riverbed.
  9. What did one plate say to his friend? Tonight, dinner's on me!
  10. Where are average things manufactured? The satisfactory.
  11. I tried to sure the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.
  12. Why doesn't the sun go to college? Because it has a million degrees!
  13. I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me.
  14. I have many jokes about rich kids—sadly none of them work.
  15. What do you call a singing laptop? A Dell!
  16. Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven ate nine.
  17. Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.
  18. How do trees get online? They just log on!
  19. Some people think prison is one word…but to robbers it's the whole sentence.
  20. My girlfriend treats me like a god. She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.
  21. Where does the sheep get his hair cut? The baa baa shop!
  22. Why did the orange stop? It ran out of juice!
  23. I never make mistakes. …I thought I did once, but I was wrong.
  24. What does the man in the moon do when his hair gets too long? Eclipse it!
  25. What did 0 say to 8? Nice belt!
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Funny Jokes For Adults

Not all jokes are meant for kids, that is why we have specifically listed these jokes for adults. Just make sure the kids are not around while you go through them. But of course the jokes are very funny, so you might not be able to control your laughter. These nuggets of gold were diligently sourced for and not just randomly picked. We all love a good joke, especially those ones that can actually be shared with people. So we&#;ve decided to come up with a collection of jokes from around the web (not ours)that’ll get you a laugh. Here goes the list of funniest jokes for adults.

Short Funny Jokes For Adults

1. Q: How do you tell if a chick is too fat to fuck?
A: When you pull her pants down, her ass is still in them

2. Q: What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?
A: By the time you’re finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.

3. Q: Why doesn&#;t Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.

4. Q: Why is being in the military like a blow-job?
A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

5. Q: What do you call a ninety-year-old man who can still masturbate?
A: Miracle Whip.

6. Q: What has got two legs and bleeds?
A: Half a dog!

7. Q: What do you call an Afghan virgin
A: Never bin laid on

8. Q: Why is Santa so jolly?
A: Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

9. Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an altar boy.

Q: Did you hear about the guy who ran infront of the bus?
A: He got tired

Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
A: By becoming a ventriloquist!

Q: How do you get tickets to the Tampon ?
A: Pull some strings.

Q: Why are crippled people always picked on?
A: Because they can&#;t stand up for themselves

Q: Whats the hardest part about eating a vegetable?
A: Putting her back in the wheelchair when you&#;re done&#;

Q: Why doesn&#;t a chicken wear pants?
A: Because his pecker is on his head!

Q: Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
A: He needed to get to the bottom!

Q: What did the penis say to the condom?
A: Cover me I&#;m going in!

Q: What&#;s worse than spiders on your piano?
A: Crabs on your organ.

Q: Why did the Mafia cross the road?
A: Forget about it.

Q: What did the Alabama sheriff call the black guy who had been shot 15 times?
A: Worst case of suicide he had ever seen.

Q: What kind of bees produce milk?
A: Boobies

Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.

Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: They don&#;t have balls to scratch.

Q: What does a year-old woman have between her breasts that a year-old doesn&#;t?
A: Her navel.

Q: What does a good bar and a good woman have in common?
A: Liquor in the front and poker in the back!

Q: Why does the Easter Bunny hide Easter eggs?
A: He doesn&#;t want anyone knowing he&#;s been fucking the chickens!

Q: What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic?
A: Halfway

Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Q: What do u call a bunny with a bent dick?
A: Fucks Funny

Q: What is the difference between oral and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day and Anal sex makes your whole weak.

Q: Whats the best thing about an year-old girl in the shower?
A: Slick her hair back she looks

Q: What&#;s strong enough for a man but made for a woman?
A: The back of my hand.

Q: What does a gangbanger have in common with a soda machine?
A: They both don&#;t work and always take your money.

Q: Why are there only two pallbearers at a homeless guys funeral?
A: There are only two handles on a garbage can.

Q: How do they say &#;fuck you&#; in Los Angeles?
A: Trust me.

Q: What do bread and autistic kids have in common?
A: They both have special needs

Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A: Why are YOU shaking? She&#;s going to eat me

Q; Whats the difference between the Florida State football team and a Florida State cheerleader?
A: They both suck for four quarters.

Q: What is a crack head&#;s favorite song?
A: I wanna rock!

Q: How do you get retards out of a tree?
A: Wave to them!

Q: What do you call a gang banger behind bars?
A: Anything you want.

 Q; What’s the difference between a rabbi and a priest?
A: A rabbi cuts them off; A priest sucks them off

Q: What is Superman&#;s greatest weakness?
A: A bucking horse.

Q: Why did Hitler commit suicide?
A: He got the gas bill.

Q: What do you call an anorexic bitch with a yeast infection?
A: A Quarter Ponder with Cheese.

Q: What do priests and Mcdonalds have in common?
A: They both stick their meat in year-old buns

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What&#;s sicker than a pile of dead babies?
A: The one alive in the middle chewing it&#;s way out.

Q: How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
A: Pick him up and suck on his cock!

Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Q: What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah?
A: About three inches.

Q: What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
A: Erotic is using a feather&#;.kinky is using the whole chicken.

Q: When does a cub become a boy scout?
A: When he eats his first Brownie.

Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.

Q: Why do men get their great ideas in bed?
A: Because they&#;re plugged into a genius!

Q: What&#;s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q: What do the Mafia and a pussy have in common?
A: One slip of the tongue, and you&#;re in deep shit.

Q: How many Emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None, they all sit in the dark and cry.

Q: How man Sorority girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, One to screw it in, and one to take a picture.

Q: How do you kill a retard?
A: Give him a knife and say &#;Who&#;s special?&#;

Q: Why did God give men penises?
A: So they&#;d have at least one way to shut a woman up.

Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur
A: A lickalotopis

Q.When do you kick a dwarf in the balls?
A.When he is standing next to your miss saying her hair smells nice

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You didn&#;t hold the pillow down long enough.

A daughter asked her mother how to spell penis, her mom said you should have asked me last night it was at the tip of my tongue.

Q: What do hockey players and Surrey girls have in common?
A: They both only change their pads after every third period!

Q: What do you call a bookworm who gets eaten by a cannibal?
A: &#;Reader&#;s Digest.&#;

Q: Why do dwarfs laugh when they play soccer?
A: The grass tickles their balls

Q: What do you get when you cross A-Rod with Chris Brown?
A: A cheater, cheater, woman beater.

Q: What is pink, goes in hard and dry and comes out soft and wet?
A: Bubble Gum.

Really Funny Knock Knock Jokes For Adults

Knock knock!
Who&#;s there?
I suck.
I suck who?
Michael Jackson.

Knock knock!
Who&#;s there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Stop crying you pussy! It&#;s just a joke!

Knock knock!
Who&#;s there?
Xavier.
Xavier who?
Xavier breath and open the damn door!

Knock knock!
Who&#;s there?
Asshole.
Asshole who?
Open the door and find out, asshole!

Knock knock!
Who&#;s there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Banana split so ice creamed!

Knock knock!
Who&#;s there?
Water.
Water who?
Water way to answer the door!

Knock knock!
Who&#;s there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Justin time to wipe my ass!

Knock knock.
Who&#;s there?
Phil.
Phil who?
Phil McCrackin!

Knock knock!
Who&#;s there?
Amos.
Amos who?
A mosquito bit me!

Knock knock!
Who&#;s there?
Andy.
Andy who?
Andy bit me again!

Knock knock!
Who&#;s there?
Honeybee.
Honeybee who?
Honeybee a dear and bring me a beer!

Knock knock!
Who&#;s there?
Ima.
Ima who?
Ima horney! Lets screw!

Knock knock!
Who&#;s there?
Madame.
Madame who?
Madame foot&#;s caught in the door!

Knock knock!
Who&#;s there?
Dwayne.
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the bathtub, I&#;m drowning!

Knock knock!
Who&#;s there?
Ivana.
Ivana who?
Ivana fuck you!

Knock knock!
Who&#;s there?
Shmel Mipe.
Shmel Mipe who?
No thanks&#; I&#;m not into that.

Knock knock.
Who&#;s there?
Ben.
Ben who?
Ben dover and I&#;ll show ya!

Knock knock!
Who&#;s there?
Jenny Tull.
Jenny Tull who?
Jenny Tull warts!

Knock knock!
Who&#;s there?
Budweiser.
Budweiser who?
Budweiser girlfriend walking funny

Knock knock!
Who&#;s there?
Gladiator.
Gladiator who?
He&#;s gladiator before they screwed!

Knock knock!
Who&#;s there?
Little Boy Blue.
Little Boy Blue who?
Micheal Jackson.

Knock knock!
Who&#;s there?
Ben Hur.
Ben Hur who?
Ben Hur over the table!

Knock knock!
Who&#;s there?
Tera.
Tera who?
Tera McClosoff!

Knock knock!
Who&#;s there?
Halibut.
Halibut who?
Halibut a kiss, darling?

Knock knock!
Who&#;s there?
Zizi.
Zizi who?
Zizi when you know how!

Knock knock!
Who&#;s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
I didn&#;t know you could yodel!

Knock knock!
Who&#;s there?
Ben.
Ben who?
Ben Dover!

Knock knock!
Who&#;s there?
Armageddon.
Armageddon who?
Armageddon out of here!

Knock knock!
Who&#;s there?
Lemme.
Lemme who?
Lemme see those tits!

Knock knock!
Who&#;s there?
Sho Mia.
Sho Mia who?
Sho Mia your ass!

Funny Halloween Jokes For Adults

Q: How can you tell when a vampire has been in a bakery?
A: All the jelly has been sucked out of the jelly doughnuts.

Q: What songs does Dracula hate?
A: &#;You Are My Sunshine&#; and &#;Sunshine on my Shoulders&#;.

Q: How does a girl vampire flirt?
A: She bats her eyes.

Q: Why was the girl afraid of the vampire?
A: He was all bite and no bark.

Q: Where does Count Dracula usually eat his lunch?
A: At the casketeria.

Q: What does a vampire never order at a restaurant?
A: A stake sandwich&#;

Q: What did Dracula say after reading all these jokes?
A: They suck!

Q: What is a vampire&#;s favorite sport?
A: Casketball&#;

Q: Why does Dracula consider himself a good artist?
A: Because he likes to draw blood!

Q: What is a vampires favorite holiday?
A: Fangsgiving

Q: What happens when two vampires meet?
A: It was love at first bite!

Q: Which building does Dracula visit in New York?
A: The Vampire State Building.

Q: Why did Dracula go to the dentist?
A: He had a fang-ache.

Q: What has webbed feet, feathers, fangs and goes quack-quack?
A: Count Duckula

Q: Why are vampires like false teeth?
A: They all come out at night.

Q: What is a vampire&#;s favorite fruit?
A: A necktarine

Q: How did the ghost say goodbye to the vampire?
A: So long sucker!

Q: What did Dracula have for dessert?
A: Whine & Ice scream

Q: What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snow man?
A: Frostbite

Q: Why do vampires scare people?
A: They are bored to death!

Q: How can you tell a vampire likes baseball?
A: Every night he turns into a bat.

Q: What&#;s a vampire&#;s favorite fast food?
A: A guy with very high blood pressure&#;

Q: Why did Dracula take cold medicine?
A: To stop his coffin

Q: What is a vampire&#;s favorite mode of transportation?
A: A blood vessel&#;

Q: What&#;s a Vampire&#;s least favorite song?
A: Another one bites the dust!

Q: What is Dracula&#;s favorite restaurant?
A: Murder King

Q: Where do vampires keep their money?
A: The blood bank!!!

Q: What do you get when you cross a vampire with the internet?
A: Blood-thirsty hacker baby

Q: What&#;s it like to be kissed by a vampire?
A: It&#;s a pain in the neck.

Q: What is a vampires least favorite food?
A: Steak

Q: Who does Dracula get letters from?
A: His fang club.

Q: Why did Dracula take cold medicine?
A: To stop his coffin.

Q: Why does Dracula wear patent leather shoes?
A: Sandals don&#;t look good with his tuxedo.

Funny Clean Jokes For Adults

Q: Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?
A: The lettuce was a &#;head&#; and the tomato was trying to &#;ketchup&#;!

Q: Did you hear about the hungry clock?
A: It went back four seconds.

Q: What do you call a gangsta snowman?
A: Froze-T

Q: What did the femur say to the patella?
A: I kneed you.

Q: &#;What&#;s the difference between a guitar and a fish?&#;
A: &#;You can&#;t tuna fish.&#;

Q: What do you call a baby monkey?
A: A Chimp off the old block.

Q: What do you call an elephant that doesn&#;t matter?
A: An irrelephant.

Q: What do lawyers wear to court?
A: Lawsuits!

Q: What do you call a fake noodle?
A: An Impasta

Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest?
A: An Investigator

Q: What do you call a computer that sings?
A: A-Dell

Q: Did you hear about the shampoo shortage in Jamaica?
A: It&#;s dread-full.

Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?
A: Spoiled milk.

Q: If Mississippi bought Virginia a New Jersey, what would Delaware?
A: Idaho&#; Alaska!

Q: How do you make a tissue dance?
A: Put a little boogey in it!

Q: What is heavy forward but not backward?
A: Ton.

Q: What does a nosey pepper do?
A: Gets jalapeno business!

Q: What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?
A: Every morning you&#;ll rise and shine!

Q: Why did the belt get arrested?
A: He held up a pair of pants.

Q: What do you call a fat psychic?
A: A four chin teller.

Q: What gets wetter the more it dries?
A: A towel.

Q: What do you call a computer floating in the ocean?
A: A Dell Rolling in the Deep.

Q: What did Bacon say to Tomato?
A: Lettuce get together!

Q: What do you call a boy who finally stood up to the bullies?
A: An ambulance.

Q: Did you hear about that new broom?
A: It&#;s sweeping the nation!

Q: Why did the music teacher need a ladder?
A: To reach the high notes.

Q: How does a suit put his child into bed?
A: He tux him in

One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause,
&#;Please send me a sister.&#;
Santa Clause wrote him back, &#;Ok, send me your mother.&#;

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68 Adult Dirty Jokes So Racy You'll Want to Cover Your Eyes

There are two types of people in the world: Those who love dirty jokes and those who say they don't but are lying. Don't worry about apologizing for your raunchy sense of humor here. There's no shame in laughing at an R-rated joke or sharing it with your friends. As it happens, some of the most beautifully crafted, genuinely laugh-out-loud jokes are adult dirty jokes. So read on for the filthiest, funniest gags we've ever heard. And for more jokes that are only fit for grownups, check out 75 Dark Jokes for Those Who Need a Twisted Laugh.

Funny Dirty Jokes

Man in pink shirt against white background trying not to laugh
  1. What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? "I want you inside me."
  2. "Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.
  3. Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.
  4. They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles. Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?
  5. I'll admit it, I have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lives forty miles away.
  6. Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen doughnuts.
  7. What's the difference between kinky and perverted? Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriend with a feather, perverted is when you use the whole bird.
  8. "I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time," a husband says to his wife. She thinks about it for a moment and then responds, "Your penis is bigger than your brother's."
  9. A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, "Honey, I shaved myself down there. Do you know what that means?" The boyfriend says, "Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again."
  10. How do you make a pool table laugh? Tickle its balls.
  11. If you were born in September, it's pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.
  12. A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ.
  13. Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn't budget, so he had to work it out with a paper and pencil.
  14. Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.
  15. An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room." "You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them."
  16. Why does a mermaid wear seashells? Because she outgrew her B-shells!
  17. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off!
  18. What do you do when your cat's dead? Play with the neighbor's pussy instead.
  19. How is life like toilet paper? You're either on a roll or taking s*** from someone.
  20. What's the difference between a tire and used condoms? One's a Goodyear. The other's a great year.
  21. What is Moby Dick's dad's name? Papa Boner.
  22. What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor!
  23. What do you call a herd of cows masturbating? Beef strokin' off!
  24. What did the leper say to the sex worker? Keep the tip.
  25. What do you call the lesbian version of a cock block? A beaver dam!
  26. What do a penis and a Rubik's Cube have in common? The more you play with it, the harder it gets.
  27. What's long, green, and smells like bacon? Kermit The Frog's fingers!
  28. What do you get when you jingle Santa's balls? A white Christmas!
  29. Why is diarrhea hereditary? It runs in your genes!
  30. A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. The penguin isn't the neatest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." "No," the penguin insists, "it's just ice cream."
  31. What did one butt cheek say to the other? Together, we can stop this crap.
  32. A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
  33. What do you get when you cross a dick with a potato? A dictator!
  34. How is sex like a game of bridge? If you have a great hand, you don't need a partner.

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Best Dirty Jokes

Woman in green sweater covering eyes with her arm and laughing
  1. My neighbor has been mad at his wife for sunbathing nude. I personally am on the fence.
  2. What do you call an expert fisherman? A Master Baiter.
  3. How can you tell if your husband is dead? The sex is the same, but you get to use the remote.
  4. "I'd rather go through the pain of childbirth again than let you drill in my mouth," the woman told her dentist. He replied, "Well, please make up your mind so I can adjust my chair."
  5. Why did the squirrel swim on its back? To keep its nuts dry.
  6. What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? A genealogist looks up the family tree, a gynecologist looks up the family bush.
  7. Why can't you hear rabbits making love? Because they have cotton balls.
  8. If your Uncle Jack was on his roof, and he wanted you to help him down, would you help your Uncle Jack off?
  9. What comes after 69? Mouthwash.
  10. What does Pinocchio's lover say to him? "Lie to me! Lie to me!"
  11. Dear NASA: Your mom thought I was big enough.–Pluto
  12. What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.
  13. A guy is sitting at the doctor's office. The doctor walks in and says, "I have some bad news. I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating." "I don't understand, doc," the patient says. "Why?" "Because," the doctor says. "I'm trying to examine you."
  14. What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose.
  15. How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex? Call and tell her about it.
  16. Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? Because his wife died!
  17. What's the difference between hungry and horny? Where you stick the cucumber.
  18. Why isn't there a pregnant Barbie doll? Ken came in another box.
  19. What goes in hard and dry, but comes out soft and wet? Gum!
  20. What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters? They just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out."
  21. What are the three shortest words in the English language? "Is it in?"
  22. How does a woman scare a gynecologist? By becoming a ventriloquist.
  23. What's the difference between your penis and a bonus check? Someone's always willing to blow your bonus.
  24. What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste!
  25. What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say? Beat it. We're closed.
  26. A family's driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windshield. Embarrassed, and trying to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry, dear. That was just an insect." "Wow," the boy replies. "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"
  27. What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? "If we don't get some support, people will think we're nuts."
  28. What's the difference between your boyfriend and a condom? Condoms have evolved: They're not so thick and insensitive anymore.
  29. What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually search for a golf ball!
  30. Why does it take million sperm to fertilize one egg? Because they won't stop to ask directions.
  31. How do you embarrass an archaeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
  32. What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave? "Thanks for coming!"
  33. What do you call a smiling Roman soldier with a piece of hair stuck between his front teeth? A glad-he-ate-her.
  34. What's long and hard and full of semen? A submarine!
Sours: https://bestlifeonline.com/dirty-jokes/
Hilarious Short Jokes For Adults - Great Short Jokes For Adults - Episode #21

88 Great Clean Jokes for Funny People Who Don&#;t Swear

Good clean jokes — jokes that are genuinely funny but perfectly appropriate — are hard to come by. R-rated humor is easy, but making people laugh without invoking adult-only language is a real, rare talent that can elicit the funniest material. Consider it playing by the Jerry Seinfeld rules of comedy: to never exploit an F-bomb in order to get an easy laugh. Working that much harder for the reward makes the laughs you get that much more gratifying anyway. And a wholesome joke provides a chance for people of all ages to laugh hard together. Because while parents may indulge their kids in a few “dirty” kids jokes now and then, ultimately, parents have to strike a balance between encouraging laughter and keeping potty-mouth in check.

That’s where these funny, clean jokes for kids come in. Consider these jokes Lysol-ed: Not a filthy thing about them. And just because they’re appropriate, doesn’t mean they won’t end in chuckles. These punchy back-and-forths are corny, sure, and they don’t skimp on puns, but they’re as hilarious as they are clean. A clever, clean joke will take you back to the days when you got a brain freeze from speed-eating your popsicle so you could read the joke of the day beneath the flavored ice. Study up and bust out these hilarious clean jokes whenever you need to see your kid smile. Just don’t wait too long, because they might not think your clean jokes are cool forever.

Be the first to get Fatherhood — our comprehensive guide to birth, budgeting, and becoming a happy parent — available for preorder now!

Food Fits

  1. Why did the tomato blush?
    Because it saw the salad dressing.
  2. Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon?
    It had great food, but no atmosphere.
  3. What do you call a cheese that’s not yours?
    Nacho cheese!
  4. Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
    There was nothing left but de Brie.
  5. What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
    A carrot.
  6. What did Mr. and Mrs. Hamburger name their daughter?
    Patty!
  7. What is the lunchmeat that tastes like hot dogs?
    They say: Bologna?
    This isn’t bologna, but a serious question.
  8. Where do beef burgers go to dance?
    The meatball.
  9. Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn?
    Because he always has a great fall.
  10. Why did bread break up with margarine?
    Because he found a butter lover.
  11. Did you hear about the waffle iron with anger issues?
    He just flipped.
  12. Why should you never tell a taco a secret?
    Because they tend to spill the beans.
  13. Why do they serve yogurt at museums?
    Because it’s cultured.
  14. What do you call a group of berries playing instruments?
    A jam session.
  15. Why do comedians love eggs?
    They’re easy to crack up.
  16. How to you fix a broken gourd?
    With a pumpkin patch.
  17. Why are jalapeños such good marksmen?
    Because they haben-arrow.
  18. Why can you never gossip about a cornfield?
    Too many ears.

Animal Antics

  1. What do you call bears with no ears?
    B
  2. What is the fleas favorite way to travel?
    Itch hiking.
  3. Which bird has the worst manners?
    Mocking birds.
  4. What do you get from a pampered cow?
    Spoiled milk.
  5. I can’t take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him.
    I guess that’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
  6. How many tickles does it take to get an octopus to laugh?
    Ten tickles.
  7. Two goldfish are in a tank.
    One looks at the other and says, “You know how to drive this thing?!”
  8. Why aren’t koalas actual bears?
    The don’t meet the koalafications.
  9. Why are fish so smart?
    Because they live in schools!
  10. What do you call a bear with no ears?
    A “B”!
  11. Why are teddy bears never hungry?
    Because they’re always stuffed.
  12. What language do pigs speak?
    Swine language.
  13. What mouse walks on two feet?
    They answer: Mickey Mouse
  14. What duck walks on two feet?
    They say: Donald Duck!
    No! All ducks, silly!
  15. Where do cows go on Friday nights?
    They go to the moo-vies!
  16. Why don’t ants ever get sick?
    Because they have little anty bodies.
  17. What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down?
    It gets toad away.
  18. Where do polar bears keep their money?
    A snowbank.
  19. What did the fisherman say to the magician?
    Pick a cod, any cod.
  20. What do you call a pile of kittens?
    A meowntain.
  21. What did the beaver say to the tree?
    It’s been nice gnawing you.
  22. What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?
    Prime mates.

Laughter Is the Best Medicine

  1. What do dentists call X-rays?
    Tooth pics.
  2. What time do you go to the dentist?
    At tooth-hurty.
  3. What did the left eye say to the right eye?
    Between you and me, something smells.
  4. If you ever get cold, stand in the corner of a room for a while.
    They’re usually 90 degrees.
  5. Why is no one friends with Dracula?
    Because he’s a pain in the neck.
  6. Why did the A go to the bathroom and come out as an E?
    Because he had a vowel movement.
  7. I couldn’t figure out why the baseball kept getting bigger.
    Then it hit me.
  8. Is this pool safe for diving?
    It deep ends.
  9. What did the nose say to the finger?
    Quit picking on me!
  10. Anyone know any jokes about sodium?
    Na
  11. Why can you never trust an atom’s story?
    Because it makes up everything.
  12. How do you determine the sex of a chromosome?
    Pull down its genes.
  13. Where does bad light end up?
    In prism.
  14. How much does a neutron pay for electricity?
    No charge.
  15. Why are electrons never invited to parties?
    They’re so negative.
  16. Where do sick fish go?
    To the dock.

Everyday Chuckles

  1. What did one wall say to the other wall?
    I’ll meet you at the corner.
  2. When does a joke become a “dad” joke?
    When the punchline is apparent.
  3. What did the paper say to the pencil?
    Write on!
  4. How did the bullet lose its job?
    It got fired.
  5. Why should you never trust stairs?
    They are always up to something.
  6. Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
    That’s just how I roll.
  7. Why did the kid throw his clock out the window?
    Because he wanted to see time fly.
  8. What did the big flower say to the little flower?
    Hi, bud!
  9. How does NASA organize a party?
    They planet.
  10. What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
    Attire
  11. Why were they called the Dark Ages?
    Because there were lots of knights.
  12. What did one toilet say to the other?
    You look flushed.
  13. My teachers told me I’d never amount to much because I procrastinate so much.
    I told them, “Just you wait!”
  14. What gets wetter the more it dries?
    A towel.
  15. Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes.
    That way, when you criticize them, you’ll be a mile away, and you’ll have their shoes.
  16. Why did the picture go to prison?
    Because it was framed!
  17. What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
    I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
  18. Want to hear a roof joke?
    The first one’s on the house.
  19. Want to hear another roof joke?
    It’s probably over your head.
  20. What building in New York has the most stories?
    The public library!
  21. Why can’t Elsa have a balloon?
    Because she will let it go.
  22. How do you look for Will Smith in the snow?
    Just follow the fresh prints.
  23. Which rock group has four guys who can’t sing or play instruments?
    Mount Rushmore.
  24. Where to spaghetti and sauce go to dance?
    The meat ball.
  25. Why do Dasher and Dancer love coffee?
    Because they’re Santa’s star bucks!
  26. What do you call a droid that takes the long way around?
    R2 detour.
  27. Why did the man fall into the cistern?
    He couldn’t see that well.
  28. Can February march?
    No, but April may.
  29. Why was six afraid of seven?
    Because seven eight nine.
  30. What do you call a pencil with erasers on both ends?
    Pointless.
  31. What’s brown and sticky?
    A stick.
  32. I hated beards, but they’re growing on me.

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Sours: https://www.fatherly.com/play/great-clean-jokes-for-funny-people-who-dont-swear/

Jokes adults short for

Funny Adult Jokes &#; 90 Rude Jokes to make you howl with laughter

We all love a good laugh, no matter the occasion. As we get old, we start to find the “clean jokes” less funny as we begin to take on a much more adult humour therefore, we begin to prefer funny adult jokes.

We’re not saying you should drop the childish jokes, because we find them absolutely hilarious as well. But as you get older, the adult funny jokes may be the more appropriate and enjoyable option.

The rude jokes we cover in this article:

If you are a bit innocent, then you may not know what is to be expected from an adult joke. Expect sexual jokes and offensive humour. Although we will leave the more disgusting and horrible humour to the darker places of the web…

We prefer things much more cheerful and upbeat!

Our best rude jokes can be used in a number of situations and we think they could work perfectly inside a greeting card, a casual joke to your friend or you could even risk it and use some as pickup lines &#; so, we will let you decide!

As we enter our huge list of funny adult jokes, we would like to warn you of rude language and a lot of sexual innuendos…

Let’s start off with the short rude jokes, shall we?

Short Adult Jokes

  • Q. Why are men like diapers? A. They’re usually full of shit, but thankfully disposable.
  • Q. What did one butt cheek say to the other? A. Together, we can stop this shit.
  • Q. What kind of Bees produce milk? A. Boobees
  • Q. What did the penis say to the condom? A. Cover me, I’m going in
  • Q. What goes in hard and dry then comes out wet and soft? A. Chewing gum
  • Q. What do you do with a year’s worth of used condoms? A. Melt them into a tire and call it a .
  • Q. What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave? A. Thanks for coming!
  • Q. What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball? A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
  • Q. How is a boyfriend/girlfriend like a laxative? A. They both irritate the shit out of you.
  • Q. What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom? A. Condoms have evolved: They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.
  • Q. What did the penis say to the vagina? A. Don’t make me come in there!
  • Q. What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? A. Hold on to your nuts, this ain’t no ordinary blowjob.
  • Q. I asked my partner if I was the only one, she’s/he’s been with. A. She/he said, “Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights”
  • Q. Welcome to the Sexual Innuendo Club. A. Thank you all for coming.
  • Q. They say sex is the best… A. Which is lucky, because all my sex is made up
  • Q. Which sexual position produces the ugliest kids? A. Ask your mum!
  • Q. Whats 72? A. 69 with three people watching.
  • Q. How is sex like air? A. It&#;s not a big deal unless you aren&#;t getting any.
  • Q. What do tofu and a dildo in common? A. They are both meat substitutes.
  • Q. What comes after 69? A. mouthwash.
  • Q. How can you tell if your husband is dead? A. The sex is the same but you get to use the remote.
  • Q. How do you make a pool table laugh? A. Tickle its balls.
  • Q. What does a perverted frog say? A.
  • Q. What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? A. I want you inside me!
  • Q. What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? A. I want you inside me!
  • Q. What do you call an expert fisherman? A. A Master Baiter
  • Q. What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say? A. Beat it. We’re closed.
  • Q. Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack? A. He only comes once a year.
  • Q. What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? A. Lettuce alone without dressing.
  • Q. Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? A. To get to the bottom

What do you think of those short rude jokes?

Obviously rude jokes come in all shapes and sizes and we have plenty more to show you… Next up, rude chat up lines…

Sexual innuendos are perfect to randomly say in day to day life or to use as a chat up line but we suggest you be careful with how these are used with people you aren’t too close with. You don’t want to be called the “Office perv” or anything do you?

So please, don’t use these to be weird with people. Use these sexual jokes to make your friends laugh!

So, let’s dive in!

Rude Sexual Jokes

  • Is your name Tanya? Cuz I&#;m gonna tan ya ass.
  • Are you a termite? Cause you&#;re about to have a mouth full of wood.
  • I wish you were soap so I could feel you all over me.
  • I may not go down in history, but I&#;ll go down on you.
  • Do you want to come to my time machine? We stop somewhere between &#;68 and &#;70
  • Let’s play carpenter. First, we’ll get hammered, then I’ll nail you.
  • If it’s true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
  • Are you my new boss? Because you just gave me a raise.
  • I lost my virginity. Can I have yours?
  • Do you need a stud in your life? Cause I got the STD and all I need is U.

We&#;ve updated this list of sexual jokes. 10 just simply isn&#;t enough, here are 20 more rude sexual pick up lines that you could use in person or via dating apps.

Tinder Rude Chat up lines

Sexual pick up lines

  • Is your name winter? Because you’ll be coming soon.
  • Let’s play carpenter. First we’ll get hammered, then I’ll nail you.
  • I lost my keys… Can I check your underwear?
  • Are you an archaeologist? Because I’ve got a bone for you to examine.
  • I’m not usually into hunting, but I’d love to catch you and mount you all over my house.
  • I’m no weatherman but you can expect more than a few inches tonight.
  • Baby, I last longer than a white crayon.
  • (Use index finger to call someone over and then say) I made you come with one finger, imagine what I could do with my whole hand.
  • Do you work at Build-A-Bear? Because I’d stuff you.
  • Do you smoke pot? Because weed be cute together.
  • Hello, I’m bisexual. I’d like to BUY you a drink… and then get sexual.
  • Do you want to spice up my sex life?
  • Your face reminds me of a wrench; every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up.
  • You must be a doctor! You just cured my erectile dysfunction.#
  • Have you ever kissed a rabbit between the ears? [Pull your pockets inside out] Would you like to?
  • Do you want to come to my time machine? We stop somewhere between ’68 and ’
  • Do you know your ABCs? ‘Cause I wanna give you the fourth letter of the alphabet.
  • I’ll be Burger King and you be McDonald’s. I’ll have it my way and you’ll be lovin’ it.
  • We should play strip poker. You can strip and I’ll poke you.
  • Do you like jalapeños? Because in no time I’ll be jalapeño pussy.

Although adult jokes are meant for well, adults… We all love a knock knock joke don’t we? No matter the age… Immature yet rude. There is no better mix to get someone giggling…

Rude Knock-Knock Jokes

Knock, Knock!
Who's There?
Howie!
Howie who?
Howie gonna hide this dead body? Knock Knock!
Who's There?
May I come in?
May I come in who?
May I come in you!Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Ivana.
Ivana who?
Ivana fuck your brains out.Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Dover.
Dover who?
Ben Dover and I’ll give you a big surprise!Knock Knock
Who's there?
Iguana
Iguana Who?
Iguana touch your buttcrack!Knock knock!
Whos There?
Phil
Phil Who?
Phil McCrackinKnock Knock!
Who’s there?
Cam.
Cam who?
Camel toe… do you have any pants I can borrow?Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Some!
Some who?
Some dickhead talking to a knock knock joke.Knock, Knock.
Who’s there?
Some.
Some who?
Some bitch telling you a fucking knock, knock joke!Knock Knock! Who's There? Asshole! Asshole who? Open the door and find out asshole!

Very Offensive Jokes

We left these offensive jokes until last as these are quite easily our most vulgar out of the bunch. This selection is strictly 18+, and even then, it might be too much for you. Although, because of this, we will not dive into an area of edgy jokes as they tend to cross the line and become highly abusive. Instead, we have this selection which highly some offensive jokes which site just before that line.

  • Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex. &#; They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch.
  • Someone asked the other day how you spell &#;scrotum&#;, I replied &#; you should have asked me last night as it was on the tip of my tongue&#;
  • What does tofu and a dildo have in common? They are both meat substitutes
  • What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? A man
  • What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students? A PDF file
  • How is virginity like a soap bubble? One prick and it&#;s gone
  • How is pubic hair like parsley? You push it to the side before you start eating.
  • How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?
  • What&#;s red and bad for your teeth? A brick
  • I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

Therefore, to end off our blog on funny adult jokes and give you some of the funniest rude insults you have never heard of before just carry on reading.

These insults could be used on anyone you would like to insult in a brand-new way and who knows it might even get them giggling…?

P.S. we do not support using these in mean or vulgar ways because we don&#;t want to hurt peoples feeling, so please use them in a jokey way!

Rude Insults

  • Bespawler – Old English word for someone who spits while they talk.
  • Bobolyne – Old English word for fool
  • Mumpsimus – A stubborn person who in spite of being shown it is wrong.
  • Dingbat – A stupid person
  • Bonehead – A stupid person

However, if those are a bit too unique for you don&#;t worry because you could always just turn back to the ruder insults.

  • Twat
  • Wanker
  • Cunt
  • Fucker
  • Bitch

This list could go on but we are sure you know all of these already!

You can find the full list of old English insults at mentalfloss.

All these funny adult jokes and offensive insults would be perfect to stick inside a rude greeting card because they are just words at the end of the day, don’t you think?

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Sours: https://www.creasedcards.com/blog/funny-adult-jokesrude-jokes/
Hilarious Short Jokes For Adults - Great Short Jokes For Adults - Episode #21

So soft, but not loose. Marge put her hand on Kathleen's stomach and began to rub it in a leisurely circular motion, and with the other hand grabbed and. Squeezed her bare buttock. Uh-uh, Marge.

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And how it didnt get into my clever head before. Their boss Olga Nikolaevna, a passionate lover of fucking, ready to grab hold of any cock, insert it into herself. It was rumored that the male visitors could not leave without giving She watched in horror as Maya walked up to her, and when she came up, ran a thin finger.

Along the collar and read aloud: "Kathleen Collins, property of Margaret Mayfield. " Are you really my sister's property, Kat.



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